Less is Morphine

Halle Berry Doll sues Haloperidol for copyright infringement

Darwin Award nominee Halle Berry has taken the manufacturers of the antipsychotic Haloperidol to court over alleged copyright infringement pertaining to the popular Halle Berry Doll toy range. The actress turned toy designer turned tricks on West 63rd street alleges that the drug ‘stole’ its name and marketing campaign directly from the popular toy for ages two and up. The dolls, which are said to be ‘as ubiquitous as skinny jeans in Darfur’ are manufactured under licence in North Korea and sold by Walmart in the light artillery section. “Our dol came first”, claims Rupert Unitoss from Gold Tooth Pharmaceuticals who strongly denies the allegations. “The fact that the Halle Berry Doll bleeds from the eyes when you tickle her tummy mimicking a common adverse affect of Haloperidol is a complete coincidence.” Indeed questions have been raised regarding the similarity between the voice coded satanic chants which emanate from the toy and the persecutory voices experienced by patients on Haloperidol. Berry, who receives royalties from products like Blackberry, Cape Gooseberries and Halley’s Comet, claims that Haloperidol is trying to steal market share and insinuates that the drug’s ‘To be Taken Before Bed’ campaign has been lifted from the Halle Berry Doll’s slogan ‘I’m Under the Bed’. The two parties are set to settle the dispute with a three-legged race around the world on Monday.

Sleeping around the hospital.

(Source: youtube.com)

Solution to economic woes to come from the backside of a European man – Malema

Julius Malema has theorised that an end to the recent public service strike will be hailed from the buttocks of a Collonial Gentleman, probably from England. Addressing an angry mob of U-U supporters via skype from his home in Monte Carlo, Malema said “We believe that it is time for our fancy oppressors to lay a golden egg of compensation and end the enslavement of Africa and the public sector strike.” The call was met with a wave of egg throwing, chicken impersonations and Easter egg hunts by supporters. “We are tired of not knowing what the small small fork is for at the dinner table”, bellowed Malema referring to an embarrassing incident in Monte Negro where he ate foie gras with a lobster bisque spoon. The Queen of England, who has not accepted Malema as a friend on Facebook, has refused to hand over her [Faberge] eggs to the ANCYL to be ‘crushed into powder and sprinkled over the working classes’ as Malema requested. Instead she sent a signed photograph of her corgi ‘Mr Blobby’ who is said to be the same age as Malema in dog years.

Mobile Breast Van Accused of Offering ‘Lukewarm’ Dating Service

A mobile bosom checking facility sponsored by Mnet, Pick n Pay andSchabir Shaik n Bake is alleged to be operating an amateur matchmaking service from the pink ‘Jugmobile’. The vehicle, which was originally designed to ‘check every breast on the M1’ for ‘anything suspicious’, has inadvertently become a database of thousands of single voluptuous women. “We had no idea the ‘Boobmasjien’ could have so much potential”, says Titz Botha who has been on Jam Alley 3 times and is a qualified Breast Technician. “We have offered our services to thousands of highway Ladies (and one or two gentlemen). It’s very quick. And that’s not because inspections sometimes happen at 120km per hour”, giggles Titz showing off his jazz hands. The van eventually became inundated with requests from single men in traffic who were hypnotized by the flow of potential mates into the ‘Melonwagon’. “It didn’t take long for us to put 2 and 2 together and charge R5 per sms for our new dating service, says Titz. “We try our darndest to match a particular male with a suitable cup size. Unfortunately the ages, ethnic background and marital status of our female clients are not recorded so it’s often ‘hit and run’”. 

Trans-Illuminati Implicated in Patient Disappearances

Members of the Trans-Illuminati organisation have denied involvement in the recent surge in missing patients and crop circles at a Johannesburg Hospital. The movement, which is said to have roots inTransvestitism, Trance music and Trans Fatty acids is alleged to control everything from the hospital thermostat temperature to who gets chicken for dinner and who doesn’t . The Trans-Illuminati recently won a court bid to allow intersexed persons to legally marry their golden retrievers. “Transillumination is no picnic”, drools Brother Applewhite. “We all have to make sacrifices.” 

Sister Masister realised something was amiss in her ward when she opened the stock cupboard to find that it had been restocked with pig’s blood. “It was most unusual”, says Masister. “Everyone knows that pig’s blood has been out of stock for ages.” Several patients who were sent for x-rays returned as skeletons. “Usually we just get the pictures of the bones, but this time we got the bones themselves. At least they’re less likely to get lost”, shrugs Masister not noticing an antelope carcass suspended from the ceiling. “Many of the patients in the book haven’t come back from the bathroom for a few days. We call them ‘out-liars’”, says Masister attaching a BP cuff to an indifferent humerus. 

Pregnant Women banned from Corridors, Restrooms

Growing discrimination against pregnant women has caused a Johannesburg Hospital to limit access of services to those with child. “Preggo-phobia has been an ongoing problem at the hospital ever since those Alien movies came out”, says Nurse Femidomme who lost her virginity to a mechanical bull on Facebook. “What with those creatures bursting through pregnant tummies and attacking the humans. It’s just not something a lot of people are willing to risk again”. The hospital is dotted with signs like ‘No Humps Accepted’ and ‘We not Lovin’ the Bun in your Ovin’. The prejudice has spilled over into a blanket subjugation of all those appearing to be pregnant – including the obese. Mary Higgsboar was denied access to an elevator on the 5th floor because her muffin-top was incorrectly assessed as a 2nd trimester pregnancy during a routine frisk by a security guard. Someone yelled “Pregger!” and threw a condom filled with colostrumat her. “It’s not fair”, wails Mary. “I’m not pregnant”. She quivers at the thought. Mary has been taking the stairs ever since.

The production of Phantom Limb of the Opera opened this week at the block 4 orthopaedic theatre with at least one janitor attending the premier. The musical explores Christine’s unrequited love for a below knee prosthesis belonging to her estranged boyfriend Erik. The prosthesis (played by a relatively unknown leg) gives a gripping and mysterious performance playing Puccini and Rihanna ‘like an I-pod’ on stage. Christine (Scrub Sister Gladys) delivers poignant arias about love, suction catheters and how performing in theatre all day is not good for her back. Raoul (played by a drip stand) renders his limited dialogue with chilling perfection. The show which was described by one cleaner as “the nihilistic exploration of agonized existentialism” deals with the pain of losing a loved one, losing a limb and eventually, losing a loved one’s limb. The show is expected to ‘run’ for at least 3 days.

Osama’s diary found in hospital treasure chest

The grade 5 diary of Osama Bin Laden was among the items discovered in a rusty locked receptacle in ward 596 at the Gem Hospital in Johannesburg. “We have no idea who or what put it here”, says Sylvester Sneezeplease a paleoanthropologist and janitor who discovered the ‘safe’ after the annual Sweep a Floor for Mandela Day which took place earlier in this month. The diary details Bin Laden’s morbid fear of postal workers, his childhood crush on Faye Dunaway and the infamous ‘failed bake sale’ which ultimately drove him to commit heinous acts of terror. Other objects found in the chest include a Schabir Shaik hair-doll (complete with Malibu convertible); a tin of I Can’t Believe it’s not Chicken and several oversized two tone ‘I heart Eugene’ shirts. “The find sheds new light on life outside the hospital”, says Sneezeplease who lives in a crawlspace between stairwells. “We now know that Mr Bin Laden has been to the Gem, that he preferred quilting to badminton and that he occasionally dressed up in his mother’s burqa.” The legitimacy of the find is being investigated by the CIA, FBI and Athletics South Africa.

Anti-Aids campaign sweeps hospital floor

A local hospital has begun clamping down on hearing “aids”, walking “aids” and humanitarian “aid” in an effort to promote wellbeing and ward off the Tokoloshe. “We routinely check patients for ‘Aids’”, says Mad Eye Mabathu, the charge sister in ward 18. “We believe that hearing aids cause bad dreams and brain tumours just like cell phones do. Walking aids like this (she motions to a Zimmer frame made from a Checkers trolley and dental floss) promote laziness and bring evil spirits.” She goes on to explain how humanitarian aid is an “insult to all humanities and manatees in the hospital”. Mabathu admits that the new policy originates from a decade old Morse code broadcast from the Department of Health that she intercepted on her clock radio while searching for the latest Kurt Darren treffer. “We conduct random “aids” “raids” when we remember - checking pockets and body cavities for contraband”, whispers Mabathu with her “mad eye” fixed on a tiny crack in the wall.

(Photo submitted by N. Cohen)